Christmas without mama... I've been doing really well with my grief... really, really well - just experiencing passing moments of poignant memories now and then... Mom died over five months ago on 7/31/2014, I haven't stopped missing her like crazy, but the pain of grief has lessened considerably... Of course, I have been dreading the holidays, because I feel the absence of loved ones so acutely at this time... However, I made it through Thanksgiving and did OK, so I had hopes that Christmas might be similarly uneventful, grief-wise...

I decided to remember my mom this Christmas by making a little tree in her honor - all done up in the bronze colors, and with a homemade "frame" ornaments that have pictures of her in them... It turned out beautifully....(YES)!!! Up until today, things were going pretty much as expected - I had just a few moments here and there when I had time to think about her and miss her.... However, I got hit, and I got hit hard... (hum)... Come with me over the fold, if you want to know what happened...

This past month I went through a lot of "firsts." My first Thanksgiving without my Mom, my niece first Birthday without my Mama and my first Christmas without my Mom... But the first Christmas without my Mom seems by far the worst of all... I did not decorate the house... I had planned to put up the tree this past weekend; (BUT I DID NOT) and shopping has been so limited... I won’t be going home this Xmas...Cry MAMA won't be there Christmas Morning when my sister, brother-N-Law, niece, nephew and we open our gifts... I won't be able to see her face when I give her gift, oh my God I won't be giving her a gift this year!!

I won't be able to hear her ask everyone to let her see their gift... Oh my God, I don't know how I will get through this day... I am just so sad and hurt by the thought of it.... Yet, I know she will be here in spirit... I know the house will be filled with her love and memories of her... I pray and know that I will feel her presence in this moment... I thank GOD I remember the moments we did share at Christmas, the laughs, the jokes, the food, the sheer joy and conversations; and most of all the LOVE...

Today I laughed, I lived and I had a couple a firsts that had everything to do with life and nothing to do with death or loss, and I was happy!!! I felt joy and hope and love and gratitude...

I thank GOD I remember the moments we did share at Christmas, the laughs, the jokes, the food, the sheer joy and conversations; and most of all the LOVE...

I will I LOVE YOU MOM, AND I MISS YOU SO, SO MUCH. I LOVE YOU MOM, I MISS YOU TODAY, YESTERDAY AND TOMORROW; I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER I will try to honor your request to go on with my life this Christmas; and THAT IS HOW I WILL GET THROUGH This Xmas!!!

Darlene