It is the perfect winter day; The kind you see in those warm, fuzzy Christmas movies... (LOL) Big, fat snowflakes are flitting down outside my window... The logs in the fire are popping and sizzling and the firelight is sending off a beautiful orange glow in the room... I have hot cider in my favorite mug and old fashioned Christmas songs running through my head... And MOM, you are here too... YES!!! In the forefront of my thoughts: (IN MY HEAD) This is my first Christmas without you MOM... I don't quite know what to expect... Without you here there seems to be such a big part of Christmas missing... It just isn't the same. I miss your "oohs" and "aahs" at each and every decoration... I miss hearing you sing along to all of the beautiful songs... I miss the Christmas sweaters you wore... I miss your joy and elation at all things Christmas... I miss your enthusiasm, your elation, your wonder, your joy... Without you here Christmas feels a bit flat... Lifeless!!!Frown Mom, I could not bring myself to put up any decorations this year... The only thing I put up was a little tree in your honor - all done up in the bronze colors, and with a homemade "frame" ornaments that have pictures of you in them... I guess when you spend over 50 years celebrating Christmas with someone it seems impossible to enjoy it when they are gone... each decoration reminds me of how much we shared together and how much I misses you... But, it makes me even sadder... It makes me feel that much farther away... I need those reminders of you... I need to remember those wonderful Christmas memories and hold on to them when I am missing you the most... This Christmas is such a mix for me... I have everything I've always wanted. But, even still, I can feel that big hole, that big void...Thats missing: How I wish you were here with us too, MOM... Maybe, just maybe, I'll feel you with us... I've been waiting so long to see you... Or hear you... Or feel you around... Maybe I'll find comfort in one of your hats, Or joy from your favorite, suite... Or maybe I'll feel you with me as I watch and enjoy all the magic of Christmas... Perhaps I'll feel you in the music at Christmas mass... Or maybe, just maybe I’ll finally see you in my dreams... "Like I always do"... I know heaven must be the ultimate place to celebrate Christmas, but I hope you'll visit us too... I hope when I look at the twinkling lights on the tree I made for you, you'll be looking at them with me to... This is my first Christmas without you... MOM, LOVING YOU SOOO MUCH!!!! MERRY XMAS MOM 2014